No relationship is perfect and no couple can figure it all out all the time. It is normal to have arguments and disagreements at times but according to Mark Manson some people think that certain harmful relationship habits are acceptable but they are not. TheseToxic relationship habits can quietly and permanently destroy your relationship.
So how do you recognize a toxic relationship?
There are no high school lessons on how not to be a bad boyfriend or girlfriend or on toxic relationships. Sure they teach us about the biology of sex and the legality of marriage and maybe we’ve read some obscure 19th century love stories about how not to be.
But when it comes to actually dealing with the nature of relationships we get no instructions…or worse we get advice columns in women’s magazines. Relationships become toxic.
Yes it was trial and error from the start. If you’re like most people it’s mostly wrong.
But part of the problem is that many unhealthy relationship habits are baked into our culture. We adore romantic love – you know the dizzying irrational romance that somehow finds it kind of cute to smash a china plate on the wall in a burst of tears – and laugh at it Practicality or non-traditional behavior.
Men and women are trained to objectify each other and to objectify their relationship. As a result our partners are often seen as assets rather than people who share mutual emotional support.
A lot of the self-help literature out there doesn’t help either (no man and woman aren’t from different planets you overgeneralize the thorn). Mom and Dad certainly aren’t the best example for most of us.
Fortunately there has been a lot of psychological research on the relationship between health and happiness over the past few decades and there are some general principles that keep popping up that most people don’t realize or follow. In fact some of these principles are actually Oppose relationships that are traditionally considered “romantic” or normal.
Here are six tendencies that many couples think are the most common in healthy and normal relationships but are actually toxic and destroy everything you hold dear. Have paper towels ready.
1. The relationship scorecard
What it is:The “scoring” phenomenon is when the person you date continues to accuse you of past mistakes in the relationship.
If both people in a relationship do this it morphs into what I call a “relationship scorecard,” in which case the battle becomes a battle to see who’s in for months or years Inside screwed up the most so whoever owes the other more.
You were a jerk at Cynthia’s 28th birthday party in 2010 and it’s been ruining your life ever since. Why? Because not a week has passed and you are not reminded.
But that’s okay because that time you found out that she sent flirtatious text messages to her coworkers immediately took away her right to be jealous so is it kind of right?
Why this is a harmful relationship habit:Relationship scorecards develop over time as one or two people in a relationship use past wrongdoing to try to justify the present. It’s a double whammy for sucking.
Not only are you deflecting the current issue itself but you’re drawing inspiration from past guilt and pain to manipulate your partner into feeling wrong in the present.
If this goes on long enough both sides will end up spending most of their energy trying to prove that they are less guilty than the other rather than solving the problem at hand. People spend all their time trying to be less wrong about each other not more right about each other.